Fat Pig by Neil LaBute

Author:Neil LaBute
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Farrar, Straus and Giroux
Published: 2011-05-18T00:00:00+00:00

CARTER realizes he is being loud and gets up, crosses to the door, and shuts it. Smiling broadly.

CARTER Dude … This is not her. You gotta tell me, tell me that much. This is not the … her her. Is it?

TOM Yeah. (Beat.) Yes, Carter.

CARTER Oh-my-God. Oh-my—

TOM Just stop, okay?

CARTER I mean … OH-MY-GOD! This is a … Jesus Christ!! She’s—

TOM Would you just get out of here?! I mean it. Both of you …

JEANNIE Fine, Tom, I’ll go.

CARTER Yeah, I gotta go find my camera … “Tommy Joins the Circus!”

TOM Asshole.

CARTER Oh, come on, man! You’d be doing the same thing to me …

TOM Bullshit …

CARTER That’s a lie, and you know it! You totally would …

TOM No, I wouldn’t. Nope. (Beat.) We mess around a lot, but I do not make fun of your … you know …

JEANNIE So … you are seeing her, then.

TOM It’s not, no, but why do I have to discuss this?! We’re on the clock here. Come on …

JEANNIE Sure, fine, but if you wanna stop and talk about the Celtics for two hours with the guys, that’d be okay, right? Yeah, that’s cool … But if I come in here because I’m trying to figure out just what the hell is going on in my relationship, well, that’s something we better talk about later. Let’s save that for some later time. Yeah, that’s pretty fair!

TOM We don’t have a relationship!!

JEANNIE Oh, really?!

TOM No, we don’t … I’m sorry, but you keep saying that, and I’m … you know … I keep trying to tell you that I’m not, this isn’t …

JEANNIE You said you wanted to try again! YOU told me that!!

TOM To keep you from nagging at me!! Just to stop you from calling and going on and on and on about this all the time!! That’s why!!!

JEANNIE Oh.

TOM Okay? I mean, God …

JEANNIE I see.

TOM I’m sorry, but … I just don’t …

JEANNIE Then fine. Good.

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